Does It Bother You That Im Always Right?

the myriad of thoughts in my mind

2010-10-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

This intense feeling that I’m having split personalities is really getting on to me.

I want to be happy. People do see how happy I am. But the sad truth is, I’m not.

2004 was a bad, bad year for me. The current happenings made me can’t help but think that bad karma has once again hit me.

The only difference is that, back then, I starved myself. – Not anymore. I’ve started to binge.

So many things on my mind I wish I could simply list them out and then come up with solutions to solve them one after another… But things are never as simple as it looks. For every solution, there’s a consequence. With every choice made, someone will tend to get hurt, in one way or another.

Sometimes I wonder how would my life be now is I wasn’t married.

Will I be happy looking around for my Mr Right, and wishing for an impossible fairy tale ending or will I be going after my career, striving hard at work and school.

From the heart, I now realise that time has been too short for me. I still have a lot undone.
I keep thinking, what if I drop dead someday?

Everywhere and all the time, people keep saying that we HAVE to find a job we love, so that it wouldn’t feel like we are working. Duh! But what if the job is taking its’ toll on me? What if I really, truly dread going to work where it seems like everyone is trying to pick on me? I am tired. And I am very sure that this job is unsuitable for me. Not everyone is cut out for something. Why can’t people get that simple logic?

My head hurts, just like before, from having too many thoughts at one time. And there are times I feel like a stranger to myself because I can no longer differentiate what is real and what is not. When I laugh, is it because I’m elated or simply too sad. When I cry, is it because I have given up or because I can’t understand what’s happening to me. I am really tired. I want to cry but I can’t. The tears gather but that’s about it.

I see happiness whenever I look at recious but that happiness, for now, will always be short-lived... :(

time flies...too fast for me to keep up.

2010-07-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

It's already mid-week July and i have so much work undone, i do not know where to start... Sighs.

Preicous had a fall last Thursday, she now has a long cut on her forehead and i pray it won't turn into a permanent scar. She's afterall a girl...

In about 3 weeks time, i will be turning 27. Time flies so fast. It seems like only yesterday i was riding a bike, got myself engaged, and then i recalled being left by my 1st love, and then this, and that...and who would have guessed that just a few years later, i would be happily living with my husband and lovely daughter.. :) This is all fate. And the best part is, both hubby and me have already had countless Deja Vu on our current lives...

I wonder what Hubby will get me for my birthday... I hope i do not have to but stuffs for myself, like always...hehe.

I am at work now, blogging away coz i really do not feel like working. Mind not thinking clearly enough to start work. Everything is a blur. So might as well spend my time wasted... When can i go home...???

CATASTROPHE!!!

2010-07-01T01:59:00.001-07:00

Work is a disaster.

With the absence of a direct supervisor, I find that everything has gone haywire, and it’s sort of driving me crazy!

Ironically, this is only the 1st day.

I dread to think in the times to come, how it would be.

How much more nonsense shall I have to tolerate?

Cranky Weather

2010-06-24T01:20:00.000-07:00

The weathers' been hot and cold lately.

One minute im cold, and in the next minute, Hot!

I think ive got some ulcers somewhere in my mouth.

It hurts, though not visible. It is F*&^)@ painful, especially when i start eating.

And to top it all, i suddenly have a headache, as in, right now.

Gosh!

Gonna Miss Peterpan's Concert... SobZ

2010-06-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

As usual, i was googling Sistic's page for upcoming concerts and guess what i found? Peterpan! Having a 2hr gig at East Coeast on 8 Aug.

And it's pretty sad that at THAT time, i would be in KL. I cross my fingers that the date will have to be changed due to some unforseen circumstances..hahaha...

I really, badly wanna hear Ariel sing LIVE. I wanna see how Drop Dead Gorgeous he really is, and how tall or short...hehe.

Went shopping at Peninsula with Hubby yesterday and found out that my nose can get quite irritated with the smell of FULL LEATHER. In some shops, i keep rubbing my nose. I was feeling the itch but can't quite figure out where the itch really is... It really gets to me. I hope, still, that it's just the leather, and nothing severe.

Also, we bought Precious 1 Liverpool Baby Jumper and 1 Liverpool Jersey Kit. I can more than imagine just how cute she'll look in those clothes... My Precious bubu-ica.. Am missing her right now..

I wonder how she'll fare during our KL trip..hehe..

Mummy Loves you ica... MuaH.

Crying in my dreams

2010-06-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

Dreams are a connection between our waking lives and the rich, mysterious world of our subconscious minds. Our dreams reveal our deepest hopes and wishes, our strengths and weaknesses, our struggles and victories, our desires and our needs. In short, our dreams show us everything about ourselves, sometimes even when we aren't aware of certain aspects of our personality.

The symbolic language of our dreams is individual and unique to the dreamer. The symbols you see in your dreams are trying to tell you a story and apply exclusively to your waking life. So, when it comes to interpreting your dreams there is no better expert than yourself.

In my dreams, i was on the phone with my sister-in-law, i was sobbing away while she was giving advice. It felt like i have done something wrong, but i do not know what it is. I wonder what that means...

My Dental Surgery.

2010-06-11T05:24:00.000-07:00

I have CHRONIC PERIODONTITIS.

Sad.

Scheduled for surgery this coming July 27th.

So much $$$ to fork out.

The staff says i could use 70% of my Medisave.

And she can't even assure me that the OP will be a sucessful one.

Here are the breakdown :

$812 - Surgery Fees

$330 - Dental Inplants

$110 - Consumables

$50 - Removal of Stitches

If the implants are sucessful, i will have to pay 30% of the total above.

Otherwise, ill have to pay 30% of the total above (but minus the $330 for dental impants)

... Isnt it costly people???

I have to do this if i wanna save my tooth. HaiZ.

I can forget about my DSLR for now... .. ...

questions to ask a MAN

2010-06-11T04:02:00.000-07:00

Hurt is when,

The tears refuse to fall, even when the heart is badly shattered...

MEN,

I tried to talk but you wouldn't listen.
And when i FINALLY did talk,
I was made to wonder if you'd been listening.. :)
Do yuo hear me talk or what is just a BLAH, BLAH, BLAH?

What is wrong in giving us this and that in return for that and this?

Why is it that when a dad(MEN) comes home to work, he wants to rest, thus ignoring his chores and children, if any.. but all this doesnt apply to us women.

A thousand WHYS on my head that i can't even think.

Dammit!

Things that makes me happy :

2010-05-05T05:57:00.000-07:00

- Beautiful reminiscense
- Walking, especially with someone i love
- Playing PC games
- Reading good books
- Seeing my Precious's laughter
- Sightseeing
- Peace, Quiet

04 May 2010

2010-05-05T05:54:00.000-07:00

I don’t want to just work. I want to work hard, go somewhere and be somebody.
I just don’t get you.
It’s OK to not have dreams, to just live happily and be content day by day, but why must you try to make others see their own dreams shatter?
Is this the fate of a wife?
To have no say? I hate to think that I’ve made a wrong choice again.

You said I changed. What if I told you I’m still the same old me?
Circumstances made me change, but it’s for the better…
I want to have a better life for us, not just for myself, but you’re taking this the wrong way.

I don’t know what to say, don’t know what to do.
If I am not talking to you, it’s not that I don’t want to.
It’s just that I have nothing to say.
The more I say, the more you misunderstand, and the further we’ll get.
I don’t want that.
I do not want what I’ve been fearing all this while to come true.

Need to focus on 1 Thing - be FiRm.

2010-04-18T02:33:00.000-07:00

"Never leave someone you love for someone you like, for the one you like will leave you for someone they love." - How do we know in the first place who is it we love and like? It's hard to differentiate. In normal circumstances, one will only realisation when that thing is DEAD and GONE.

What goes around REALLY comes around. I have been-there-done-that. HaHa.

Ive stopped trying to be friends again with my schoolmates. Whatever for. Everything i do always seems wrong... and without any evidence, i am always being wrongly accused, and worst, judged upon - all without knowing the truth. Im tired of this childish games. I know who can be my friend, and who can't. Obviously, my friends are the ones who are still here. I know people have this saying that a friend need not always be there, as long as we still reside in their heart, that's all that matters... that's just a load of BS to me.

For now, i need to focus on being firm with the people i work with. I need to show them i am not someone they can step and frown upon.

Needing a Break - me

2010-04-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

Life have been tough the past 2 weeks or so.

At home, as Precious grow and turn naughtier by the minute, i got fed-up with the household chores that are neverending. I am not a housewife for goodness' sake! How can i keep track of everything. Even with hubby's help, it's apparently still not enough. We need a part-time maid.

Work is killing me.
It's projects after projects after projects.
I don't mind doing a lot of work, but not if my work does not amount to my pay/status.
Its tremendously demoralising. I need a break.

'These' people treat it as a 'no-big deal kinda thing' as doing projects is what im supposed to do but come on, that's not my ONLY job. I have other ad-hoc stuffs to attend to. If you see me 'free', im simply resting for a while coz i get mental blockage sometimes. This happens quite frequently lately, especially at work when im forcing myself to think when i can't... But then again, the number ONE cause for my mental blockage is demoralization, i guess.

Hubby promised me a holiday but i don't think it'll happen. There's so much to do and so little time. And worse, after months of not getting sick, im finally down with fever, and now flu. Goodbye Good Health... :(

I love and miss my baby but find myself too tired to attend to her. How to have another baby? Its just my wishful thinking.

When am i going to get good offers for a better job... .. ...

FRUST!!!

2010-03-11T00:12:00.000-08:00

A bit frust here.

Precious's 1st birthday party is like a week away and im already having a mental block. Why do people make me decide only to tell me that this is wrong, and that is not right. They really are the idea assasins.

The reason i want to have everything catered is simple. I want us, the hosts, and its' family members to be free to roam around and interact. This is the 3rd time we're having a function! Why can't i have something different??? For the last 2 occasions, we were all too busy to socialise, to greet the guests even. It was hell. I had to make sure the food was topped up and all, that there were no mess, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. I hate that. full stop. And now, again, i find myself being pushed into things i do not like nor want to do. Talk about personal space. I think i don't have any.

I realise that to have everything catered by a family friend/relative/etc is a cheaper alternative but hey, it's my money. It might not be right to spent it the way i want to at times, but i have options... So why can't i opt?Im not being high-maintainence. All i want is for my baby to have the best.

I grew up afraid and bullied. I don't think i want to recall my childhood. There isn't much to talk about. Being a mother now, ill do whatever it takes for my Precious to NOT go through whatever bad things ive been through... Is that wrong?

-Itz like a cut, that heals with time... but the wound, it'll never fade.

06 march 2010

2010-03-06T05:52:00.000-08:00

My nose is twitching... and the first thought that came to my mind was "what is going to happen"? Superstitions... YES! I do indulge in that, at times - appropriate times, and mostly, just for the fun of it. I assume everyone does that every once in a while...

I opened up to Bestie. It was hard but i need to be strong. I need to face reality. I believe those who have hurt me will get their just retributions, just like how i got mine when i chose to hurt others...
I still cry when i feel vulnerable at times.
Even when i don't cry directly, i will somehow manage to do so, indirectly, for example, whilst reading a book..
I know that one can't be staying positive 24/7, but i always try my best - most of the time. I was told that the defination of fear is actually Fantasies .. .. .. Appearing Real. I think i forgot. :) ..

Till then.

thinking of writing... again

2010-02-18T05:19:00.000-08:00

I am thinking of writing again. GoSh! Its been sooo long.
I used to compose my own songs but the last time i did that seemed ages ago.
Growing up, i don't discuss the real me with anyone. Everything is a secret between me and myself. Yes, i write. I wrote all the sad, angry poems of heartbreak and such. Not only on love in general but everything else as well. All these are scribbled somewhere in books i know ive disposed of. Haiz. The ups and downs of life.

I hate my life back then.

I don't regret my choices.

I learnt from it.

Once a bad man, always a bad man.
Once you're labelled as someone bad in my head, you always will be.
Im not revengeful. I just hate repeated history. :)

And one reason i no longer write is because i am happier now. So much. Its amazing, when you're happy, all the pain go away just like that. But the irony is that, i seem to have no emotions. Other than happy, or angry at times when people pushed me, i seem to have no feelings of 'hurt'. I wonder if it's because i don't want to think about it or is it because i am really emotion-less now. Its weird. And for someone who writes love songs, its really sad that ive lost the will to do that now.

I told hubby that i want to get a guitar so that i can go back to writing songs... but i wonder if i still can do it...

Time will tell.

Till then.

Complaint on ****, Trip to JB, Bonus..etc

2010-02-17T18:02:00.000-08:00

Received yet another complaint on that ****.
Da*N that ****.

Anyway, im trying my best not to get so worked up over this. Work is work.
It's just ridiculous to have such things put me down.

Just saw my bonus for this year.
It's not that high compared to last year, but then again, perhaps this is due to the so-called 'economic crisis' last year - maybe that's why it's so low.

But still, im grateful, very grateful.

Ill still be able to buy some stuffs i need and also prepare for Precious's 1st Birthday bash. Gosh, there's so much on my list. From yet another bag to video camera, to guitar... and the list goes on. But i am determine to keep 1 small portion for a rainy day. HeHe.

Last Monday, went to JB with bestie, hubby and his friends. I had fun. No one commented anything hurtful about me, unlike at work. These are some of the people i enjoy being with. I spent, not sure if it's a lot but i supposed it's ok. How often do you get to buy so much with so little amount - as in SGD to RM..?
I bought 4 novels, stuffs for Precious as well as some tidbits. The place we went to is not crowded, and i love un-crowded places. I feel free...

I read about Achluophobia - fear of darkness. Seems like the only cure for it is self-hypnosis. Weird. How does one hypnotise oneself?
Normally people who are claustraphobic will also be achluophobic, but not me. Im not afraid to be confine in small places. As a matter of fact, i feel safe. Safe because no one can get near me, no one can touch me...

From young, i hated being touched. Perhaps that's why i sometimes seem so reluctant to hug or anything close.. It's not something i chose to do. It's just something that happens and it then become my natural instinct. Perhaps someday, ill get out of this skin. Maybe someday. :)

Reminisence of an Old Song of Mine.

2010-01-21T00:16:00.000-08:00

There is no way i am going to break down. - Not again.

I compose this 2 years back i supposed...
and this is the part i love most.
Back then, this was what i was feeling, was going through...
This really brings back memories...

You're not here
I don't know where you are.
And like a hard rain pouring down
these are my tears, i am being let down.

Unlike the rainbow that comes after the rain
I see no light, It's so dark, Im afraid.
You promise me love. You've given me faith.
You've promised me everything.
Was it just something you said?

You promise me,
A life with you, a dream to live
A hope to have, a love to give
a hand to hold and moments re-lived
You promise me,
You'll never leave.
You'll never leave...

Blah Blah Blah.. can't remember much.

Anyway, it's been a long,long time since i last strummed my guitar.
I sort of miss it.
But im hoping for a new guitar. - A Baby Taylor to be precise.
Hope ill get it soon. - And as a gift so i won't have to fork out like half a K...hehe

Abandoned, Worms... .. ... My Bad Dreams are back.

2010-01-20T00:31:00.000-08:00

I had a bad dream last night.
And if recalled it correctly, my dream consisted of worms. Lots and lots of worms.
Ironically, WORMS was on my MOST FEARED list.
In my dreams, I was running – I didn’t know where I was and where I was heading to.
I ran because the worms were everywhere. On my legs, hands, even hairs.
The funny thing was that the worms come in many different colours.
One I clearly remember was Green – as in Luminous Green. Hehe.

Anyway, in the 1st part of my dream, I was actually in bed.
Held down by an unknown force, I lay on my bed, unable to step out of it or even call out to Hubby.
It was weird. Somehow, I seemed to have lost my voice.
The feeling was dreadful…
That feeling of Panic was overwhelming.

I woke up before dawn I supposed. And the first thing I turn to look at was Hubby, who was still sound asleep.

Out of curiousity, I surf the net for the meaning of my dreams.

This is what I found.

When we are dreaming about this, we may be reflecting on the more negative aspects of our own or someone else's personality. Worms are usually associated with weakness and sneakiness. They are blind and generally feed on decaying matter. To associate these characteristics with any individuals, including yourself indicates that you are seeing a very negative side of them and have a generally low opinion of them (or yourself). Old, superstition based dream interpretations say that dreaming about worms is a warning about poor health.

The feeling of panic suggests lack of control and confusion. If the primary emotion in your dream was panic, consider the details and try to understand its cause. Do you feel fear, a sense of confused helplessness, or were you unable to make a quick and accurate decision? Answering these questions will enable you to understand the message in this dream.

Running in your dreams may also symbolize the energy levels, the strength, or the force that you have to get through life.

Anyway, I read this somewhere.
Dreams are usually the opposite of reality.
The unconscious is attempting to compensate for an imbalance in the conscious.
Therefore, since I am overly attached to Hubby in my daily life, in my dream state, I may be abandoned by him. This is an attempt by the unconscious to make me aware of my dependency.

This is a good sign. I think.
Perhaps I do not show my love. I don’t know how to.
I am not used to that.
But I know I love him, and I need him.
Perhaps this is why ive been getting a lot of dreams where I get abandoned.

Maybe I should stop thinking of things I do not know.
Perhaps I should stop assuming and having thought of What-Ifs.
It’s best I stay content with what I have now.

Another Hectic Day...

2010-01-06T05:21:00.001-08:00

My Promise the other day - i fulfilled it.
I walked all the way home, and it took me half an hour to reach, and i felt good.
My backache is here yet again.
Don't know why.

2 Aunties said i've lost weight, thinner now, compared to when i first gave birth?
It's hilarious. Seriously.
But i take it as a compliment... hehe.

Things have not been smooth for me the past 2-3 days but i'll manage...

Back-Ache

2010-01-04T05:28:00.000-08:00

Feeling old, and bored.
I haven’t had a backache for like ages and now I’m suddenly affected by one.
Not sure if it means I’m over or under work..
Lack of exercise or just a simple sudden stretch that shocked my body..
Either work, it’s kinda annoying and very demoralising.

One of my New Year resolution is to shed off some weight. But then again, I could never find the discipline to do so.
Let’s see, I am now making a promise to myself.
IF I get to go off from this office before 10.10pm, I WILL walk home. – or maybe to the Lakeside MRT.
Reason being I’m scared of walking alone. Another being me not being sure if I can finish my walk. I don’t want my body to be shock by yet another sudden exercise. Haha…

Did I mention that my Precious has started growing her first tooth? I am ELATED! But did I also mention that her set of finger brush and toothpaste alone costs $21.95??? That’s a bit too high end for most parents I suppose…

My back is aching again.
But I am still determine to walk to at least LakeSide MRT – should I be leaving before 10.10pm… .. …

The happenings in 2009

2009-12-31T07:05:00.000-08:00

2009 had been a great year for me overall.
Let's recap.

- I gave birth to a healthy baby girl on March 17th. I didnt have long labour pains and such. I checked myself in at around 10am and gave birth at exactly 5.30pm. That's even shorter than my regular working hours.

- I got a good performance bonus which i am happy and contented with, and which i spent exclusively on my newborn at that time.

- Work had been great. Hiccups here and there but i managed to overcome it all. It's sad to see colleagues leaving to go to the other side of the field but im happy for them. Life has to go on. And one things' for sure, happiness means being positive - be it @ home or work.

- Hubby brought me to Genting and KL for my birthday. YES!- Just the two of us. Perhaps this don't mean much to others but it is to me. Ive never been to both places and i was simply delighted. I am very touched, though i don't show it, but it's only because i don't know how.

- More bonding time with Jannah. Really treasure the times we spent and YES! again, we did meet up a lot this year. Hope our friendship lasts and we will have more meet-ups in 2010.

- The New Me. I guess i am more mature now, not always, but most of the time.

Not sure if ive missed out any BIG happenings but this is all that is on my mind now. Most do not matter anymore...
What's past is past. I don't want to live with regrets and i don't want to have thoughts of "WHAT-IFS"... If a person chose to not have me in their life, it's only because they don't know me well enough. Everyone has a choice.

For now, my only resolution for 2010 is to see my Precious grow up healthy and happy.
And Hubby and I NEED to work hard to save up for our next trip. It won't be somewhere far, but definitely enough to make me happy.

PEACE.

My upcoming Chalet - Supposedly there IS one.

2009-12-30T03:30:00.001-08:00

I am now dreading the thought of having an Open-Chalet concept for Precious’s 1st birthday – only because I’m unable to get the chalet, or rather, bungalow of my choice. It’s not that I can’t compromise, there just isn’t a better deal.
The other chalets are either too small but expensive or cheap but “ulu”. Truly a demoralising experience.

What can I do other than go with the flow?

DaMn!

I spent quite some time thinking what to do during that period of Precious’s 1st Birthday and our 2nd Wedding Anniversary. The cost of an overseas trip would be more or less the same as having a chalet. The only difference is that we’re expected to be given gifts, souvenirs and such. *Grins*

I am still very much in love with the thought of going for another overseas trip – this time with Precious tagging along. I have – not the slightest idea where will be the perfect vacation for us, and thus more than willing in welcoming suggestions.

And I pray hard, very hard, in mind, that I will be granted leave.

Precious almost 9 months old now

2009-12-11T21:30:00.000-08:00

Ive been away from Blogging.
Work and family kept me busy, very busy.
Precious is almost 9 months old now and she is obviously smart.
She's already slowly tip-toeing, blasting out words we've never heard before and becoming a bit too clingy with me and hubby.
And surprisingly, toothless.
I can't wait for her hair to grow though.. already imagining shouting at her to keep still while i tie her hair..hehe.

A few weeks back, i apologized to her.
And i told her how jealous i felt when i see them both together.
I wanted us to be BFFs again, and for a moment, i really thought we would.
But then, it's hard. Almost impossible.
Just like when we see one another outdoors.
I feel like it would be wrong to ignore and yet weird to go up, talk to them and pretend nothing's happen. Either way, im already feeling kinda bitter.
I supposed we've been apart for too long...

After getting married, ive learn to let go of a lot of things.
And i do not regret that one bit.
It just shows how mature ive become after all this time.
Im happy and contented now.
And if thinking of them makes me unhappy, i suppose ill just have to learn getting over them.
It's not that i can live without friends, i just need one who can really understand.

:)

Insecurity

2009-09-25T21:40:00.001-07:00

I do not know where and when this insecurity came. It hits me just like that.
When one starts having this feeling, what does it mean? – I wonder.

I am suddenly reminded of the time whereby my tears fell just by looking at him. Yup, that is how Much I love him – then.

Now, the thought of him disgusts me.
I had made the wrong choice but I have no regrets.
A lesson is learnt. And I SHALL not repeat it.

My hubby and My Precious, how much I adore them.
I make seem ‘emotionless’ at times but deep inside, I know I am not a tough nut to crack. Let’s just say the experiences I’ve had had turned me into someone stronger, someone who thinks with her mind, and not her heart.

It’s been so long since I last cried, meaning I have been leading a happy, contented life. There are hiccups every now and then but ill get through them.

As for this current feeling of insecurity, it’s just unexplainable.
Knowing myself, it will go away, soon enough. 

p/s : Just saw some kids passing by my Office, so cute, with their Hari Raya dresses and all, clutching their handbags like some young adults when they are in fact not even a teenager yet. HaHa. Will my Precious grow up to be like them? One things’ for sure, I DO want my precious to grow up with a pretty face plus good moral values inherited from her parents.

Shoutout

2009-09-01T17:28:00.001-07:00

Even a strong minded person will fall at times.

Why am i never good enough?
I keep asking myself this.
Ive tried, and i know i should stay positive but sometimes, when negativity hits me, i just want to cry.

DaMn.

Precious turning 5 months soon.

2009-08-15T19:14:00.000-07:00

Tommorrow, my Precious little Precious will be turning 5 months old. How time flies... :)

Lets look at how "naughty" she has grown...

Greedy girl.. Now she wants both hands n feets. haha.

And look what she does when her daddy is asleep... .. ...

Precious with her Umi Ana. :p

I am thankful she is healthy, she is extremely playful and just pleasing to the eyes. cant wait till she starts to talk and walk...

Also, ive got my driving license. Too excited for words now. Maybe time and experience will tell..

Till then.

You and Me

2009-07-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

You've never asked me how my day was
What makes you think it is the same everyday?
Ive never said Im OK, or am i not... but it doesn't really matter anyway
Coz you'll never know how i feel
Do you think Im OK coz i look the part?
Or do you think that i am gonnabe OK because i usually forgive from the bottom of my heart.

What should i do?
What do i do?
I live each day painfully because of your words
You tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Coz you are not living each day painfully like i am
You and Me.
What should i do?

Do i not have a chance?
When things go wrong, why is it i am always the one blamed?
Finally is that it?
Is that OK with you when it is not with me?
I don't think i can do it
I am sorry i am simply not OK.

What should i do?
What do i do?
If it isn't you, then who else?
I hope you'll hold me, and comfort me.
And tell me that everything's OK
But you didnt
What should i do?

Again, you're being insensitive
When things go wrong, i am the one to blame.
Finally this is it.
I am not OK and i don't think ill ever be.
I don't think i can forget it.
My faith in us is fading even i cannot believe it.

What should i do?
What do i do?
I am still living each day painfully because of your words
You tell me if this is a bad thing to do
Coz you are not living each day painfully like i am
You and Me.
What should i do?

Still wishing i never had to live each day painfully because of your words...
You and me.
What am i to do?

A Pleasant Surprise.

2009-06-21T23:46:00.001-07:00

Precious came to visit me at work today – Of Course, tagged along was my parernts, little Sarah and her parents as well. It was an excellent surprise.
I kept thinking of my little one.

Anyway, she is an Infant now, and weighs 6.5Kg… but no worries coz she’s one tall girl. I wonder whose genes she follows. HeHe.

Work, surprisingly, I have no problems adjusting myself though there are changes. Perhaps I am just a natural career mum even though I really miss my Precious at times. On top of her coo-ings and ahh-ings and all those little sounds she makes, she has also begun stuffing BOTH her fists into her mouth. Having done a lot of research online, I AM sure she is now in her teething stage. She’s adorable when she does everything that she does. No other baby could be cuter than mine.. hehe.

Also another big event in my life is Hubby turning 33. Though he claims he looks 25, and younger, I don’t think he does. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart. He looks and acts the part of a 33-year old very well. There is no need for any improvement/changes/adjustments…

As for me, in less than 2 months. I will be turning 26. How time flies. I really hope the day will turn out as planned. Till then, ill be waiting, patiently and crossing my fingers. Tight Tight!

My Deadly Obsession...

2009-06-12T06:02:00.000-07:00

Haha. This Guy Here. He's just hot - so my type.

4 more weeks to work!

2009-05-13T19:56:00.000-07:00

4 more weeks before i start work. The only problem i have now is not being able to fit into my uniform. That SUCKS like BIG TIME.

Should i start running?
Should i?

Technically, i am already running away... from people, from facts, from certain things i dubbed necessary.

Precious - as playful as ever. She recognises me, and her eyes seem to follow me wherever i go. And when i get bored and just throw her aside, she'll be looking, or rather staring at my Hubby as if wanting his attention. HeHe. That's my bright, little girl - Nur Shasmeen Arissa.

Another cute thing Precious does is blah..blah..blah.
Sorry i can't type it out for it's too personal and rather 'blue'. HaHa.
4 more weeks to go...
4 more weeks for me to spent my time 24/7 with Precious.
4 more weeks for her to smell her mummy, to lick her mummy... to poo, pee and poot on her mummy... HaHa.

I love my little angel.

The neverending conflict.

2009-05-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

Hubby asks : "What is it with you girls? How come you go all quiet when you're supposed to be so-called clearing up all the misunderstanding you think you have? He even added that for guys, whenever a conflict arises, they'll settle it there and then but it seems like for us girls, we tend to dilly-dally, as if waiting to see who'll give in first.

Between me and the 2 of them, i don't know what went wrong. We were so close back in the schooldays - all 3 of us. But now, it seems like there's only 2 of them, and im the odd one out. I have no clue as to what happen. Have i done something wrong? Was i misunderstood? If it was because i have been missing, all i can say is that i have my reasons... and if only you people had cared enough to ask, perhaps then we would still be as close as ever. But anyway, I never asked, and they never tell. So i guess the years of friendship we have will just be going down the drain - as simple as that. Everytime i happen to see her outside, she just treated me coldly and with short, uninterested answers during conversations. So how is it then that i am in the wrong?

I am tired of this childish acts. I am so tired of wondering whatever the hell is wrong and i am so tired of waiting for nothing to happen. I assume that should they need me, they'll know where to find me. Otherwise, ill just have to take it as if ive never known them. It's 2 against 1 here so why should i continue to let myself be bullied time and again? She didnt come to my wedding, nor did anyone of them congratulate me for my giving birth. It dissapoints - to know that they are not there but just Technically there.

Anyway, if they want to end it, i will be fine but like i said, it is a Great Waste cos among all the rest, we were 3 of the very best...

Friends...

2009-05-11T19:57:00.000-07:00

Firstly, a BIG THANK YOU to my closest pals who came down last Saturday. I was expecting to have no friends from the day i got married onwards... but i was proven wrong. HeHe. My Doverites gang are still around except for 1 moron who kept changing numbers... Anyway, he is NOT important. Thanks again for coming, especially Kin since you came from SO FAR AWAY... .. ... I really look forward to our next outing or even the counting down of someone's marriage/engagement... though i have yet to know who, or rather who's first...

Another friend i was expecting to see was definitely 'her'. My Primary school mate, Buddy, Pal, Laughing Partner (We laugh a lot together)... Ive missed her and she didnt let me down. She came with another Primary School mate whom ive also not seen for quite some time. We sat and chatted about the old times. I sure remembered OUR old times... Walking home from school together as we have no money for bus fare for it has been spent on Junk Food.. Laughing together, even though no one made a joke.. When we played 'zero-point', it was always us and the badminton pole as we need 3 people to play..hehe. Those were the days. I really missed all that. I hope to see her soon, again. And i also hope my baby will be as Pretty and Sweet as her. :p
And BTW, i forgot to take our Picture togethe for i was all too excited when we met. Another time perhaps... :)

Precious Update : I bet she is over 5Kg now.

My eggs expired... ???

2009-05-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

I was re-arranging cum cleaning my kitchen cabinet, and also throwing away foodstuffs that have long expired. There wasnt a lot but one of them was the eggs. I wonder how long exactly have i not been cooking... Eggs are considered a fast-moving item, an essential, a necessity in almost every household - though definitely not mine. It expired somewhere last month. I was wondering if a chick would somehow pop out if i were to fry the egg... but upon realising how cold my fridge is (It is only a year old),i doubt the chick would survive...
And 1 more thing, i sure have a hell lot of JUNK in my fridge and cabinets.

As for Precious, she is 7 weeks old as at today.

At 5Kg now, she suceeded in making me strain my left wrist, which is almost of no use now.

Anyway, while browsing at MY baby photos, i was amazed to see how alike i was then to Precious now... except for the eyes. I do not have nice eyes. They are droopy... but the chubbiness, the BALDness in front, etc, is all the same...hehe. At least i can proudly declare her mine. And for a baby, she sure POOTs a lot - if you know what i mean... I have been peed, pooed, and even poot-ted. Haha. All baby talks for now.

I have brought Precious out to Vivocity which she seems to enjoy, to Marina Square where she sleeps a lot and to Jurongpoint a couple of timesthe past 2 weeks. Even brought her down to the shops in my area. I suppose it is only a matter of time before i bring her down to my workplace... haha

She'll be having her hair-cutting ceremony this coming weekend and i dread thinking how busy ill be as we had opted to not ORDER OUT. My family and i will be doing the cooking for about 150 peeps - or more. And i still have to play host and take care of Precious's needs at the same time. ArGh. Lucky i still have 5 more weeks to go before i start working... and speaking of that, what the HELL. I need to LOSE WEIGHT or else there is NO WAY i am going to fit into my uniform. I DREAD THAT MOST. How do i lose weight - especially my chest area... I find them TOO BIG. hehe. Seriously though. How i wish i could just poke it with a pin or something sharp.

Somebody help...

Shopping nx Wednesday. :)

2009-04-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

A pic of Precious making one of her funny faces while with her Aunt...

Ive been surfing the net for cheat codes but to no AVAIL. DaMn!

Btw, im looking for a this drama series - My Destiny with You (1996), feat Jacelyn Tay n Peter Yu/Hong Rong. I need the Theme Song DESPERATELY. So my Chinese Friends, please help me if you can.

... .. ...

Precious, as usual, doesnt sleep after midnight. And she'll wait till the break of dawn before falling asleep. My Goodness! And me, i can fall asleep right beside her, even when she's shouting her lungs off. That is HOW tired i normally am... :)

Can't wait till next Wednesday. Ive made plans to go to Marina Square with Hubby and Precious to shop... shop... shop.

Precious is now 4.01Kg...

2009-04-21T01:00:00.001-07:00

I brought Precious out today for her 1-month immunisation and guess what? She now weighs a whopping 4.01Kg. HeHe. No wonder my hand muscles are all getting tense up.

On top of that, she's quite tall for her weight. Even the nurses complimented that she is going to be one tall girl. :)

And now she's asleep... After making all her coos and ahhs and heps...

My Wants and Needs...

2009-04-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

I am currently hook on 2 particular FB Application - Restaurant City and Rock Legends!. Haiz.

Anyway, Precious is almost 5 weeks old now... and she has definitely gain a lot of weight, though im not sure how much exactly. Perhaps she is now around 3.3Kg??? HaHa. If i have a scale at home, i would weigh her but i don't... That is sad.

BTW, i came across somebody's blog. Although it was all dated years ago, it was at a time where we were together, as fiancees. So sad to know that he had been leading a double life while with me. His blogs made no mention of me, no photos of me and so on. Even worse, he had the cheek to blog about the ONE he so-called loves, which BTW ISN'T ME! In other words, i was non-existence in his world. I wasnt angry. I was simply dissapointed. And i thank god for taking ME away from HIM... and also for opening my heart to my Hubby.

While blogging, i have been trying to acess to Restaurant City for the past 1/2 hour but to no avail. IT IS ALWAYS LIKE THIS. Don't know why. I want to SHOW OFF my restaurant.HeHe.

Boring. Still inacessible. Wrong spelling but i don't want to be bothered by that.

For now, i have a LOT of savings to do. A dozen shopping list to be completed, hopefully by the end of the year...

01. Vacuum Cleaner - Preferably the BEST brand ever so that ill never have to buy one EVER again.

02. Blender - I accidentally blended in a metal spoon and so ... .. ... You Know. BTW, don't ask me how i managed to do that. I am a BIG FAN of Patrick Star aren't i?

03. A "Baby Taylor" guitar - Costing about SGD$400. I need that.

04. A Swatch watch with Denim Straps - SGD$79. I am not a fan of watches nor that particular brand but somehow, it manage to capture my attention. Heh.

05. Jackets / Bags / Acessories by ADIDAS. I am a HUGE, HUGE FAN of ADIDAS. I must collect them all.

06. Save some $$$ for a trip to Genting, hopefully by my birthday.

07. On top of all these wants and needs, i still have to save for my driving lessons... HaiZ.

My Dream Car ... Sob Sob.

And im still paying Bills, Giving Allowances...

ArGh!!!

People's Association, Please, Please, Please Give me a GOOD PayRise. :)

Precious turns 1-month old

2009-04-16T19:10:00.000-07:00

Precious turns 1 today -- as is getting mischievious by the day. Her poor mummy gets eyebags which just doesnt seem to go away. I guess i would need a total makeover before i head out to work in June...

The past 1 month has not been easy. Precious had to be placed in a High-Dependency ward the moment she was born - all because Mommy was having a High Fever (40 degrees) while giving birth. Guess what? Even my stools were green. HaHa. Upon discharge, she was then down with Jaundice and many, many days later, having a 'pimple' breakout due to heatiness and then she became a colicky baby... These events are enough to make ANY first-time Mommy have a break down. As for me, i cried once. Simply because i was TOO tired, was falling sick, and i was feeling trememdously helpless. Im fine now. And i hope it stays that way...

Here are some non-photogenic pics of Precious... hehe

Dying to go out

2009-04-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

Help Me!

My Feet are dying to step outta of house.

Perhaps you might ask what are the chances that i might actually meet people i know out in the streets if i were to go out... especially when they've told me not to as im still in confinement. 44 days - Hell Yeah! Who could endure that? NO fast food (Which ive just had for days), NO This, NO That! Im really counting down the days here. Let me see... Just 21 more days to go... And that's like 3 more weeks... OMG!

I think there is no way i can lose my 6kg "Pregnancy Weight Gain" so long as im coop up here like a chicken. (Why am i even comparing myself to a chicken - i don't know).

My mood goes up and down like a rollercoaster. I guess taking care of a baby really gets to me. Hubby had actually plan to have our 2nd child somewhere in 2012. I agreed readily at first but am already having second thoughts about it. Even if i were to have myself a confinement nanny, a maid, or anything at all, i still would want to think twice about this. Perhaps just having one child is enough. Today's society is a great big challenge - for me and everyone. People eat one another. It is rather scary i should say.

Looking back on an earlier post, i did mention that one of my New Year Resolution is to be firm but till now, i have yet to do it. Im still too lenient at times. I read somewhere that in order to survive, one should never be lenient to a person who have cheated/hurt/etc us before. And my problem is that whoever have done me wrong, i tend to forgive quite easily, at times - again. Some might take it that im magnanimous but smart people will know that im simply foolish. But then again, how do you define SMART? As far as im concern, The Stupid Ones Always See Themselves As The Smart Ones And The Smart Ones Are Normally Those Who Are Not Afraid To See Themselves As The Stupid Ones. Either way, you can be BOTH STUPID and SMART.

Perhaps i should start to re-look my Resolutions.
Some things are almost impossible to achieve. I know we can somehow achieve with hard work but nows' not the time...
Im at a point in my life where it's just bad timing and already fated. :p

Colicky Baby? -- I dun hv a clue.

2009-04-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

I try my very best to go online every single day - even when im already starting to have eye bags... What do you know, this is all caused by Precious. She really is a tough cookie. Tougher than the Grassroots i have to work with. HaHa. Anyway, my reason for being online is mostly to keep up with my friends, update myself with the daily news on Yahoo!, read articles that can supposedly help me take care of Precious better, and last but not least, Online Shopping! Ive been DEPRIVED of shopping since the day Precious was born. Therefore, the closest i can get is Online Shopping. My recent splurge totals up to almost a 100 bucks - just on a Sling Carrier for Precious and a MOMMY LINGERIE for me. HeHe. The rest of my online shopping was mostly on Food, or rather Junk Food. I miss being pregnant. At least i could still walk around and do stuff. As at now, i am confine to only my home and perhaps a trip or 2 to the PolyClinic. How i miss the OUTSIDE life. Really cant wait till my confinement days are over so that Precious and me can go shopping together... :)

Precious cries a lot these days, and she gets hungry every now and then which really stresses me, especially when i am alone at home taking care of her. Hubby has to go out and work and mummy's here only to drop me food.Her prolonged cries really puts me in a spot. Perhaps it is only a matter of time before i suffer from post-natal depression. Even the midwife knows how hard it is for a 1st-time mum to be all alone with her newborn at home. Too bad no one else realises that. They said i am supposed to sleep when Precious is asleep. LIke as if i can even manage or control that. I am not like some people to be able to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. There needs to be a MOMENT! And furthermore, i still have to do the laundry and stuff. And what about my personal time? Am i supposed to forego that the moment i had Precious? I have been taught and i have also seen that i can't rely on Hubby, or anyone else. At the end of the day, it all boils down to only me. I feel alone, unappreciated, short of time, etc, etc. As much as i hate work, i really wish time would fly faster so that i could go back to the office. Not that i miss my colleague THAT much, i suppose i just need REAL people to actually talk to.

Am i a bad mummy for choosing work over my baby? Or is this just a period of my life whereby i get lost and confused, and at the same time scared. Even the thought of having another baby scares me. Having Precious was no easy feat. There was a point where i almost gave up. From the day she was born till now, i still cant conclude my feelings.

... .. ...

Im hungry now, but am lacking the appetite to even munch my Favourite Amos Cookies. I guess ill just starve myself till i get REAL hungry...

From wife to Mummy

2009-03-24T21:09:00.001-07:00

Being heavily pregnant, i was anxious yet excited and i couldn't wait for my precious to come out. The expected delivery date was actually April 2nd and i was hoping sooo much she'd be out on March 15th, which would be my 1-year wedding anniversary. Come that day, i was out shopping with my hubby at Vivo. We even managed to catch *Coming Soon*, a Thai-horror movie. The next day was my appointment with my Obstrectian (Did i spell that correctly???) There were definitely no signs of Precious coming out anytime soon. Even the next appointment was scheduled to be 1.5 week later but i was given medical leave for 3 days due to my cough and running nose... Anyway, lucky thing was that we actually went to IMM and bought baby diapers and stuff. (I don't like last-minute deals) At that point. i could walk faster than anyone who's not preggy. I even had Long John! And when i had severe stomach cramps in the middle of the night, i strongly assumed it was Long John's Fish Wrap - I really did. It was only in the morning when i saw blood while peeing did i realise that THIS could be it.

After a slow drive in my mummy's van through the morning peak hours while bearing an excruciating pain every now and again, i finally checked myself into the hospital to which the doctor said that the chances of Precious delivering today is extremely high...

And guess what, Precious came out at exactly 5.30pm - After office hours... hehe.

Delivery was hard but i managed it at a point where i really, almost gave up... and i thank God i didnt.

As at today, she's 1 week and a day old. I still cant believe im a mummy already.

The hours are long and tough and hubby's at work for now as his scheduled leave will only start next week. So, it's only Precious and me now...

She is sooo cute and angelic i almost wanted to chew her head off... Haha.

The only reason i can find time to blog is because my Precious is still sound asleep, with minutes to go before her next feed...

HaiZ.

2009

2009-01-02T00:11:00.001-08:00

Ola 2009!!!

I finally did have a small countdown with my friends.

Went out for a Super-Late night supper with Hubby, Jannah and Wan.
The initial plan was for me to have my ideal supper consisting of a Creamy, creamy, cream of Mushroom dipped with garlic bread but the moment my food arrived, I began having stomach cramps – exactly at 12 midnight. What a countdown. I end up having less than half of what I ordered. For a moment, I thought mine baby would be the baby of the year. (I am already 27 weeks preggy) HeHe.

Anyway, after supper, we headed to Cuppage Plaza for our Karaoke Session, joined by Din and Hammy.
And as usual, whenever Din sings, we’ll be so tempted to tell him to stop. (no Offence Din…)
He just sounds so cute. Kamal, well, he rocks. That dude can really sing. Clap Clap. We did have fun and another Karaoke Session would be a definite Yes-Yes. (Maybe after Junior is born??)

I reached home close to 6 in the morning…

Had to wake up before midday as my parents were having a “DOA SELAMAT” for me and Junior.
I barely did a thing while I was at my Mum’s.
After eating a plate of BeeHoon, I napped. When I woke up, I had another plate of the same thing and I napped… And this went on for another round. I felt really tired. Plus Junior was kicking me hard all the way. It wasn’t painful or anything, just ticklish. Got home around 8 to watch Singapore’s Don’t Forget the Lyrics. It was entertaining and I wondered if I should have joined. For instance, on yesterday’s show, I got all the lyrics right. HeHe. Too bad I have stage fright. Otherwise, I will be on that show….

Before I forgot, my New Year Resolutions…… hehe.

01. To cook more than I did in 2008. (Poor hubby always have to Ta-Pao)
02. To concentrate MORE on my job. (Contract’s finishing soon. Need to have a GOOD appraisal)
03. To be FIRM in handling creatures at work.
04. To SAVE $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.
05. To spent less on myself, and more for Family and Loved Ones.

That should be all – for now. Don’t want to put too much and give myself a hard time in achieving. HeHe. TaTa now.

She

2008-12-30T22:19:00.000-08:00

Last day of the year.
And definitely one of the MOST memorable day for me.
I finally got to talk face-to-face with the one whom ive been missing for a long, long time.
Even though it was only like half an hour or so, it felt so long... i wish it could be longer.
She's changed.
Thinner now.
Complexion no longer as fair as before but nevertheless, drop dead gorgeous - still.
I am 25, and so is she.
And perhaps so is the length of our relationship.
I remember getting furious with my ex once when he told me that she dresses like a BI***.
Who is he to judge her like that?
Anyway, that was a few years back and up till now, i know she's not like what he claims she is.
He's the jerk - as a matter of fact. HeHe.

This is the girl who made me take Bike Lessons with her.
Bear in mind though that she is not a TOMBOY.
In fact, she has more feminity than most women, including me.

Right now, i am just elated by the fact that we met.
No wonder my eyelids have been twitching the whole morning.
I know ill be seeing someone i have not met in a long time but i never expected it to be her.
I am so thankful to God.

I hope our friendship can last till we both grow old and die.
Everytime i think of all the things we've been through, it just puts a smile on my face.

I love her.
As much as i love my husband, my Junior, my family and close friends.
Goodbye 2008.
I am finally ready for 2009......

Hectic Day...

2008-12-26T04:45:00.000-08:00

Life has been hectic for me.

I need to pee at least several times per hour, on certain days.
And I get cramps here and there…
And my mood changes as fast as a roller coaster ride…
Phew!

I have been thinking of taking medical leave sometime next week until a check in my account states that I have used up ALL my medical leaves – which is 14 days per year, plus an ADDITIONAL 10 days for being in the workforce long enough.. Hehe. And if that is not enough, I have also finished up my 18 days’ worth of leaves. I so cannot wait for 2009 to come.

Work as usual have been quite demoralising with “people” looking for me every now and then when they’ve been reminded time and again of my availability in the office. Some people are just out to get you. Lucky me work have been gradually steady the past 2 weeks or so. If only it stays this way – all the way.
For 2009, my new year resolution is to be firm – a little at least.
I supposed I am at times way too nice that I end up getting trampled on.
They say everyone is born to be nice but as they grow up, they change due to the so-called influences around them. I don’t really agree with that. I have dozens of bad influences but for some reason, I am “untouched” by most of it. Not to say that I am like an angel of course. I supposed it’s just the way I control myself. Sure, at times I do lose it but how often is that?

Anyway, today is an exceptionally boring day. The keypad on my handphone have all gone haywire. I can receive all messages and phone calls but there then ill be stuck at the current state. It sucks. All my handphones doesn’t seem to last.. The longest should be less than a year. Now I have to go phone-hunting – which is not MY favourite pastime. Nowadays, even shopping doesn’t seem to make me happy. As a matter of fact, I get cramps from walking too much and too fast. I have been rather active since the beginning of my pregnancy and now that my 2nd-Trimester is almost ending, it is time I SLOW DOWN…

SLOW DOWN…

In desperate need of RECIPES - easy ones only please.

2008-11-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

Another lame day at work.

Anyway, I wonder if anyone could give me the EXACT ingredients for making Sambal.
I know I should be asking my mum but everytime I do so, she answers in a way I do not understand.
It’s hard to put it.

I have tried cooking. Some were successful while others were a nightmare. I am extremely lucky to have a husband who is not even half as fussy as me. I tend to eat all the good food but I failed miserably in making any. HaIz.

Dunno why but I have the urge to cook today – after months of not cooking.
But what shall one cook when that someone can’t cook – well.
This is like a trick question.

So if anyone does have a SIMPLE, quick yet appetising recipe, kindly give me the details.

It is time for a mother-to-be cooks.

Reno.

2008-11-20T00:44:00.000-08:00

It has been dreadfully awful to be in the office these days.
Already there’s the tension among each other, and now, to add on the misery, our office is undergoing some major changes. Basically, the layout of the whole office will be change. One would have expected us to have moved somewhere else now that there are renovation works being done but hell no. We’re still in this lame office, with the lamest renovation going on… From hacking to sawing to drilling to measuring and to everything else, I bet I have seen it all. The worst thing is that, the network is often lost.
And I have to spent hours just thinking what can be done. Most of the time, I either spend my time chewing junk food or play spider solitaire till I get extremely bored.

How boring can it be you might ask? Very.

I have another appointment on Monday afternoon and I hope Junior would have woken up by then. In our previous visit, she was sleeping too soundly that no matter what we did to wake her up, she just could not be bothered to. What an attitude coming from a very young girl. I bet she is going to be every bit like me. Hehe.

Till then. Ciao.

Work Sucks

2008-11-14T22:08:00.001-08:00

I hate working here and it is almost impossible to list down the reasons as there is simply too much.
It is hard being the “nice” one around. You get trampled on time after time and to make it worse, the probability of getting mauled alive is high. I detest having to go to work 5 times a week. If only I could somehow lessen it, or even better, make it to a complete zero – meaning I no longer have to work… SigHz.

It is not like I did not try to be the vain one in the office. I tried but I supposed some people are just born to be nice… and I am one such person. I can never make myself be the bad guy.

My junior shall be named Nur Shasmeen Arissa. Nur meaning Light in malay. Arissa meaning Bright as in intelligent and Shasmeen – someone who has a heart of gold, is trustworthy, an angel and perfect in every way. I simply loved the meaning of this name. Really do.

At 5 months now, it is amazing as to how my stomach is still not that big compared to other pregnant ladies also at 5 months… haha. Im in love with myself. And the weird thing is that, I have been quietly adoring myself on the mirror. No pimples, no wrinkles.. Just a pretty little face. Hehe. I guess this is the “Glow” I get for bearing a baby girl. God is Great.

At the same time, I hope my baby is not affected by my mental stress at work. I want her to have lots and lots of hair – Just like her daddy and mummy. I sometimes wonder if she can actually feel what I am feeling.

I feel so at ease just thinking of my baby.
My beautiful baby.

StooPid Job

2008-11-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

I don't recall telling this to anyone other than my hubby - I HATE MY JOB.
Hate it to the core.

If there is one thing i could like about it is the fact that unlike other shift jobs, at least half of my weekend shifts are blunt and redundant. I could sit all day in the office and not even an ant will come and piss me off.

But then one and only flaw in my line is that it gives me a lot, a lot of mental stress. I sometimes wonder why cant everyone be the same...

Bobbing Junior

2008-10-10T05:34:00.001-07:00

Oh My…
Is this a good time to have a baby?
Everything’s going up.
It is now a known fact that quite a number of people will have to be retrenched, especially those working in the financial sector.
Perhaps this has yet to affect me but it will, soon.
For one, this recession is sure to affect my Performance Bonus early next year.
Looks like Junior will have to squeeze in bed with me and Hubby instead of having his own cot – Unless of course it’s a treat from someone – anyone.

Work is killing me. I hate working in a people-people sector. It drives me crazy. Id rather be alone, in solitude.

Junior is almost 4 months now… and I can swear I can feel him ‘bobbing’ about.

WooHoo.

Current Status ... :)

2008-09-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

I finally got the chance to see junior in my tummy.. At just 3 months, he's able to open and close his palms, move up and down.. and turn round and around.. To be able to see this just melts my heart.. My junior is sooo cute - even the image consultant says so.. Hehe.
Junior was even commented to be too active at his age.. HaHa

Too bad hubby was in the toilet while i was having my scan done... Haiz.
Otherwise, he could have seen Junior moving around in my tummy.. :)

BTW, i am currently reading books on men n women and stuff.. Go get it. It is by Alan and Barbara Pease (Husband and Wife). The 1st one im reading is Why men lie and Why women cry. I learnt a lot about men through that book - seriously. For all those feminists out there, i suggest you start reading one as it can really help you "tackle" those men. haha.
The other one ive read is Why men can only do one thing at a time and why women can't read maps. Be careful not to misjudge this book. Even though it is kinda small, and seems more like books for babies and toddlers, it is fun and interesting. It simply gives you a summary instead of making it into a long, grandmother story.

I guess most of the stuffs they wrote on the book IS true. I have problems reading map. I tend to turn them around - to make them face the direction i am going so as to understand it better but men are different. Just one look, and most of them will have no problem showing just where they are... Hmm.. I won't tell more. Please read the book dear friends.

I am craving - for stingray and fried baby squids.. Yum Yum.. and hubby promised we'll get it tonight.. So CIAOZ. :)

10 weeks and counting ... .. ...

2008-09-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

Itz been a while since my last update. Guess what? Ive been sick on and off - continuously. Im coming to 11 weeks now and am feeling tired MOST of the time. Can't believe im going to be a "mummy" soon. Oh Wow!

I can't explain why but even though i have cravings for certain foods, the sight of it kills my appetite most of the time and poor me would have to go hungry while another craving sets in. Such is life... So sad.

I miss my friends.. badly. I miss having a hamster to play with. (Bobo and Jojo died a few months back and mum did their burial by throwing them down the rubbish chute.Cruel!)

I did think of buying another hammy but now that i am unwell most of the time, ill only be bringing death upon my hammy... So why bother?

Perhaps when junior is out, i will consider buying another hammy.. again. :)

death - what a strong word

2008-08-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

Ive come to know of several deaths in just a few weeks. And today itself, my brother’s father-in-law is reported to be critically ill. I hope nothing will happen to him, that he’ll get well.
A close friend’s father passed away yesterday. I feel her loss. She’s still coping and I hope she’ll get better soon. I want to be there but alas, I am not someone who’s good in letting her inner feelings shown. When I seemed uncaring, I do. I just do not know how to show it. Sometimes, life turns you into someone unfeeling…

Im currently reading a book on child , titled Broken by Shy Keegan. I had first chanced upon that book in Popular Bookstore and had desperately wanted to get hold of it but hubby claimed it was too expensive.. Well, I then resorted to reserving the book in the library for a mere $0.55. Haha. Talk about great savings…

The book is about the life of a young girl who was abused sexually, mentally and physically by her stepfather who disrespects her, and supported by a mother who simply hates her. At one point, she was abused so badly that she was left partially deaf and blind. Her stepfather even allow his friends and other strangers to rape her as well. She was only 5….
To know more, I suggest you read the stories.. It is based on a true one. Very sad and able to bring out tears…

Have to go now, not to cry… but back to work.

People I Love

2008-08-13T19:26:00.000-07:00

I had a really long day yesterday. After work, I had dropped by at my mum’s place to see that cute little round girl. I thought id be staying only for a short while but when I got there, upon seeing my sis and hubby, and my little bro as well.. we stayed on. We even went out to one of our Favourite Family hangout, Mustafa Ctr… HeHe. Mind you, it was already 10 when we left. (And I still had my uniform with me)

We shopped separately…hmmm… actually, unknowingly, we were split into 2 groups. Mum, sis and hubby in Group 1, and shopping for Pillows. Me, hubby and daddy in another, me buying whatever I fancy and hubby getting himself ANOTHER Liverpool Jersey. Here’s the cute part! Daddy bought 3 RED shirts. I think daddy’s obsession with red shirt(s) start almost at the same time with my obsession of COWS. His wardrobe has about 80% red – or more, I have lost track. I wonder what does RED symbolises… Anger? Fear? Happiness even?
I was delighted to shop with daddy and hubby – 2 out of the XX people I love.

I remembered those days, growing up, when I actually tried my best to have the least conversation with daddy ever – I hated and I regretted it. Daddy loves me. Daddies always loves their daughter more – I wonder why.

p/s : Whenever I hear the song Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle, ill always imagine that the song was sung and written for me. It’s a great song put together.

Back to that cute, little round girl. My mum said that if she likes me, it means that I might be pregnant with a baby boy and vice-versa. (Old Wives tales) Well, that I really couldn’t know for sure for that little “angel” is treating me Hot and Cold. One minute she’d be playing and smiling happily at me… and she could just smack me the next. She makes me wanna have a round kid too …

I can’t wait for my next visit.

Another boring afternoon

2008-08-13T02:18:00.001-07:00

As usual, i feel groggy today. First my stomach hurts, then my head hurts, followed by my ankles, etc. In short – everything hurts. And trust me, I can get tired without even doing anything. Such are the chronicles of my life.

I played minesweeper till I got bored. The thing that got me bored was my simply-superb score. Haha. I am more than 100% sure I will not be beaten – by anyone in the office.

It’s tedious I tell you, having nothing to do and yet pretend like as if I do have something to be done. Awwww. The feeling is horrible. I like to be kept busy at work… but I am not. I am so free right now. Not only can I blog about it, I can even finish an apple, irregardless of how long it’ll take, without having a single soul tryin to vie for my attention. SigHs.

Weeee… Phone ring!

SigHs again. Not for me! Why isn’t any of my “uncles and aunties” calling me? They normally do don’t they? What are they doing? Slacking I supposed.

Another phone call, another stupid question, and another “Cuckoo Bird” who asks a lot but wouldn’t let me answer.

Go to Hell!

Monday Blues

2008-08-11T06:06:00.000-07:00

What a lousy morning this has been. I woke up to the sound of Hubby banging on the door. Apparently, he has left his keys - somewhere. I was grouchy no doubt. I HATE being woken up - especially when i am still in my dreamland.

Nevertheless, i managed to drag myself out of bed, into the shower and off to work where i spent my entire afternoon doing all my paperworks, reports, etc, in advanced. In other words, i don't have much to do. :)

Dinner was a lonely affair but it was also a fulfilling Yong Tau-Fu meal. Evening at work was not that lonesome as i had strings of poops, i mean peeps, chit-chatting with me. :) One asked if i could sing as we were on the topic of guitars. I told him i don't know when deep down inside, i am sure i can sing.. Haha. I supposed bragging, or rather boasting is just not my forte. Ive been inclining myself musically with hope that junior will follow in my footsteps... Haiz.

&^8)&$^&&! Still at work and the Dikir Barat boys are forever bugging me with their booking of rooms and such. Me against the whole lot of them? Let me bow down now... *SigHz*
30 minutes more to home sweet home...

Goodnight Junior. Goodnight friends. Ive missed you.

My First Entry

2008-08-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

Does my heading suggests that i am in a denial? Haha. WTF. I dun really care.
Our first entry should at all times be something that will make an impression on others - Be it good or bad, wrong or right.

My Say
- Never Pretend To A Love You Do Not Actually Feel, For Love Is Not Ours To Command -